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When people aren’t on the same page as you, they’re not even reading the same book.
I have a terrible habit of assuming I know what other people are thinking, based on my own experiences and subconscious prejudgements rather than the actual situation itself.
I can tend to put things down to my own perceived patterns and assuming that people understand what I’ve said because I know what I mean. Not always the case. Mindreading seems to be reserved for the scam artists and the circus
For example: my Mum and I. We are exceptionally similar but also incredibly different. We can argue ferociously, but often the argument is actually about two completely different things and neither of us realise it. I’m pissed at her over one thing, whereas she’s @ing me over a whole other kettle of fish.
I’m triggered because she’s asked me to collect clothes I’ve left in the house since moving out. To me, she does this in a way I perceive as “you can’t leave your shit here because you don’t live here anymore”. Whereas for her, she’s asking me to move my extra clothes because she’s trying to do up my old room for my sister.
I’m annoyed at her because she keeps asking me when I’m coming home again and I already feel stressy trying to have work, friends, personal time and "grown-up shit" time like 45 washes and a grocery shop fit into my week and I assume she doesn’t appreciate my stress. All while she’s mad at me because she thinks I don’t have much time for her and just DGAF.
She doesn’t realise I sometimes feel thinly spread and I don’t realise that she sometimes feels left behind. See? Assumptions can be dangerous.
This was something I didn’t actually realise myself until recently enough. I'm reading this incredible book called “101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think” and it highlights (repeatedly) that we are not mind readers and usually inadvertently act as if we are. Miscommunication can often be 99% of the problem. You can’t be annoyed with someone about something, not say anything and then be pissed off when it happens again. Then, any repeat annoyance is almost your own fault because:
how are they meant to know it’s something that bothers you?
On the other hand, if you explicitly say “I don’t appreciate this” or “this genuinely is upsets me” with good reason and THEN they do it again, well then - they’re probably just a dick.
I reckon this is something (almost) everyone, albeit unintentionally, does. Speaking to my Mum a few weeks ago, she was telling me about how she hadn’t spoken to a friend in about 8 months because of something he “did”. I know her friend and so, was questioning my Mum on her belief that he “did” “whatever he did”.
Her automatic response was: “No he MUST have done it and I won’t associate with it AT ALL.”
I said: “Have you ASKED him if he did it?”
She said: “No”.
I said: “You’re assuming his thinking and actions based off nothing but your perception”.
She said: "Nope".
The next day, I went home, and my Mum calls me in. She said she listened to what I said (Jesus - there is a first time for everything). She reached out to him to tell him why she was so unhappy with him and how she felt, and it turns out HE DIDNT DO THE THING SHE THOUGHT HE BLOODY DID. She believed one thing while he was there thinking he’d upset her for a totally different reason. What a waste of 8 months. But lesson is, once she accepted her mind reading abilities were next to non-existent, they were able to first get on the same page and then resolve the issue. All was then right in the world (apart from the whole “very little being right in the world”, but that’s another day’s work).
I’ve also been on the other side where I assume things are all a-okay or normal or whatever and then I’m told down the line that something I said in passing or a way that I acted (out of habit/my own humour) genuinely hurt someone's feelings. I instantly and actively quit doing that/saying those things because I now knew better because I have now been told. Sometimes though, I’ve been informed of this (and said it myself) at the end of thing/too late to be able to remedy it, which is always a shame. Conversations that don’t happen are a waste of everyone’s time.
While I’m no expert on this and still habitually assume what people are thinking, I’m trying to actively not assume I’m Professor X (if you don’t get the reference – get out). When I explain it to my friends, they totally agree and in practice realise they are usually on a totally different page to the person they’re having a difficulty or block with. They’re not even reading the same book.
Can’t be on the same page as someone if you’re reading The Secret and they’re reading Miggldy Higgldy’s Autobiography. Anyways - food for thought, you think?
References:
101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think by Brianna Wiest - On Amazon
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