.jpg)
I am dye-ing for a change.
Much like the vast majority of Ireland (and most of the world), I have felt like I'm living in some sort of simulated Groundhog Day.
Since the Covid Restrictions/Lockdowns first started in Ireland in March 2020 I have:
Dyed my hair about six times (I’m some sort of blonde now?);
Gotten four more tattoos,
Picked-up and put-right-back-down various new ventures including: learning piano (bought and then soon after, sold a keyboard); embroidery (stabbed myself one too many times) and a psychology course (whereby some uncomfortable introspection was involved), to name but a few.
These things were (which is clear to me now – not so clear at the time) attempts to put some vibrance or change into my life. To have something different happen to break up the seemingly never-ending Covid infinity.
Living in this “infinite present” has led me to a wide variety of ups and downs. Highs that have me scream laughing in public and lows that have me barely moving from my bed due to a resounding feeling of apathy and numbness. All we have is the here and now. And sometimes, the here and now sucked.
I am a planner. Not to the extent that I plan every second of my day, and at times I may not always follow my plans, but I like to make plans. Socially, I make plans at the beginning of the week to make sure I’ll be stimulated at the weekend. I like having things to look forward to – concerts, holidays, outings, events. But, with this same-shit-different-day loop we were living in where future plans could not be made, travel was restricted, and celebrations were merely fond memories, this new way of living that I was stuck in felt totally numbing.
In an article written by HuffPost UK, Psychotherapist Lucy Beresford very relatably noted that:
“Without stimulation, we can start to feel as though our life has no meaning. Repetitiveness runs the risk of making us lose interest in life, because our brains love new things to explore and figure out.”
Perhaps this explains the pickup and throw down spiral of hobby-undertaking, hair-ruining, and panic-tattoo-adding…
Of course, being in the present is incredibly important for mindfulness, and we are actively encouraged to not live our lives in the future as we miss what is happening around us, but that was incredibly hard to do when nothing was happening.
Luckily, the light at the end of the tunnel has started to get much brighter. With places reopening here in Ireland, spirits are rising, hope has returned, and excitement is bubbling. People have booked their “glow-up” appointments and are seeing them through this week; changing up their hair, nails, clothes and what not after being stuck in a mental (and at times physical) limbo since Christmas.
This change in expectations of lockdown ending and life resuming (to some degree) has given me a new perspective on some things. Most notably:
When I am down and feeling a bit numb, to be around people. Even if I don’t want to or it’s simply sitting on the couch beside them. Being around people perks me up and I suffer more wallowing in it alone. My friends and family may not make me feel “fine”, but they certainly make me feel better.
Do not shove feelings of despair and sadness down, let them out. Have a cry, have a rant, go for a run blaring Fall Out Boy in your earphones. I am chronic for pushing feelings down and they often turn into physical pain such as headaches or they only heighten feelings of detachment. I also would feel guilty for feeling this way because I “didn’t have it that bad” and “everyone is in the same boat”, but feelings are feelings, and mine are still valid.
I don’t have to be a constant beacon of positivity. I would like to think of myself as a relatively positive person, and don’t like complaining to my friends. However, things can be shit and I can say that I think they’re shit. I don’t have to be playing Mr Brightside on repeat 24/7.
Although I couldn’t make major plans such as holidays or going “out out”, to focus on the smaller plans – going back home for an evening to steal my family’s food, taking my dogs out for an adventure, walk and coffee plans with my bubble buddies, flatmate drinks on a Saturday where we didn’t wear pyjamas etc. The big things are not the only things.
To dedicate time to those who I took for granted. The other day, I went to see my grandparents. I was able to go into their house for the first time in a year for tea, having them and myself been fully vaccinated, and the lingering hug my Granny gave me was borderline heart breaking. People are not here forever, and I think pre-Covid and when we were not in a lockdown and I was busy socially, I did not pay enough attention to things like this. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I intend not to get so absent again.
Maybe you disagree, but I definitely found that a lack of interaction and stimulation in the last lockdown was something that affected me a lot more than I thought it would. Thank god we are moving out of this phase, but it is definitely something I will be looking to combat early should it (hopefully not) happen again.
So, only one question remains – any Penney’s appointments going?
References:
Huffpost Article - Without Future Plans Were Living in an Infinite Present
Image - Quarantine Clock
Comments