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I, Laura Conboy, am a self-proclaimed, borderline-chronic “yes (wo)man".
In the past, I've operated under the mindset of “you can't say no”. Although a manager or a senior colleague may preface with something like “only if you have time” or “do you have capacity to”, the answer realistically couldn’t be no. Similarly, if your friends ask you to do something and you really don’t want to for whatever reason, you need an excuse. Maybe you've been in these scenarios. Technically speaking, in work, you could say “I don’t really have the time ” or “I’m pretty swamped right now”, but you couldn’t really for fear of a personal branding of not being a “team player” or being "unmotivated”. Socially you might not be invited next time. I’ve used a lot of air quotes here, l digress.
This past attitude of not saying no to things (even though I may want to - like really want to) led to taking on a lot, plenty of overtime, exhaustion, dissatisfaction and ultimately - burnout. Then I would rest, recover (after a whole lot of late nights, headaches, tiredness and maybe a little crying) to go right back into the cycle again. We never learn.
Until we do. Truthfully this mindset is not yet something I have escaped entirely and has resulted in must-needed conversations from friends and colleagues telling me that I take a lot on and there is absolutely no shame in saying no to things. One step further, if you do take on too much, there is also no shame in having to admit you’re feeling a little underwater and need to pull back. If you feel like you can say no to things and/or opt to take a step back and it is respected and not penalised - you're in a safe space.
We all feel it right? In a work sense, deadlines come up, things go wrong, everything is crazy and the world is constantly changing. With the introduction of WFH during the pandemic, many have found that they're working longer hours because they're at home. This is actually referred to as the “autonomy paradox” where using tech and mobile devices allows us to work anywhere anytime, but in practice often leads us to work everywhere all the time. Research by Eurofound also linked working longer hours with teleworking and an increased likelihood to working in one’s free time, consequently working over time and eating into that “work life balance” we so often talk about, but so seldom achieve. This imbalance then feeds into the burnout cycle.
Stepping away from the theory of it all, I want to take a look at what my own burnout looks like, how I (do my best to) recognise it and (again - try to) combat it. Let’s dive in.
The Burnout Cycle
I’m bright eyed and bushy tailed. I’m eager to take on new challenges and try as much as possible. So I say yes. I say yes a lot. I start to work on the things I’ve said yes to. I work on them a lot. I work on them after hours. It’s getting late. I try to relax. I go to bed. I wake up. I’m tired. I was working a lot yesterday. I have more work today. I do the work. I’m mentally tired. I work late. I try to relax. I go to bed. I wake up. I’m very tired. I have a lot to do today. My brain hurts. And I feel a bit run down. Maybe a cold? My focus is foggy. I don’t necessarily feel stressed, but I feel heavy. I try to do my work. I can’t focus on my work so I can’t do much of my work. But I have so much work to do. Now I feel anxious that I can’t do my work. But I still can’t do it. So now I just feel worse. I am so tired. I need a minute. Cue flames.
That’s simply a quick overview of the rollercoaster of emotions that can take place over a week, a month, a quarter, whatever. It's extremity varies depending on how long I let it go on for, or if I manage to intervene in a timely manner. The key (which I am no expert in - I’m working on it!) is to see it and extinguish it before it goes full circle. I’ve learned a few things from going through this cycle multiple times (and I still do) that maybe will help you in your own burnout avoidance / management.
Let’s talk about Boundaries
I’m actively trying to put in boundaries with what I will and will not put up with from family, friends and more importantly myself. Also allowing this to feed into work, combating that “can’t say no” mentality and protecting my time, health and energy as much as possible. In summary, I’ve broken down some of the boundaries I’m working to put in place into three buckets: time, expectations and emotions.
Time
Professionally, setting aside clear time boundaries in your calendar for e.g. no meetings days or focus time and enforcing it with yourself, your colleagues and your clients. Working towards avoiding those situations where you have meetings and calls all day and then no time to actually do your work, which can feed into the evening and the ensuing days. I practice this in my own diary. I love being able to control my own calendar but I am however, mindful that the guide I try to follow will not work for everyone, like those who must arrange their own calendars to fit around someone else's. So take this as you can, if you can.
I try to have no client meetings on Mondays and Fridays - unless absolutely necessary. I really try to use my Mondays to set myself up for the week, do admin and weekly preparations. There’s nothing worse than having a big meeting on a Monday that you spend all of Friday prepping for, and then have to check in Sunday evening to remind yourself of it all. Not. the. Vibe. Fridays are the same. I took this from a client who said they don’t like meetings on a Friday and use this time to sum up the week and start organising that which may need to feed into next. Don’t leave yourself with a million to-do’s or “due on Monday’s'' on a Friday. You’ll be working late when you deserve a pint or a takeaway. Take your time back.
Expectations
Sometimes people’s expectations of you can lead to a feeling of pressure for things to go well or to participate in activities. To combat this, when I'm in my burnout cycle, I need to set expectations with those around me, but more importantly with myself. I do not need to do things for the sake of having done them and my 20 million tasks to-do list does not need to be checked off in a day.
Socially, one of the best expectations I've set in my personal life in 2023 relates to drinking. You know when you’re having a few drinks with friends or a night out has been planned and you want to take it easy but end up out until 4am and wrote-off for two days? Even though you were well intentioned, your willpower didn’t allow you to follow through with said intentions and now you're shaking in a greasy spoon the next day with your flatmate, asking god “why me”. You know "why me". You really didn’t need to mix 6 different types of drink and stay out until 4am. It’s your own fault sir.
Anyways - I came to realise that my want to not feel physically ill and mentally broken for 2+ days (the 2 day hangovers are standard) now outweighed my FOMO so I focused on setting clear expectations of my participation in these types of activities. At the beginning, people would sigh and ask why I would leave so early and it was difficult to think that I would be branded as being “shit craic”. Yet, with clearly setting new expectations and sticking with them, I’ve now gotten to a point with my friends where it’s expected I’ll show up for a bit but you will not find me in the Swan after. They don’t push me to stay out and they don’t get bitter if I say no to a night out. My bedtime is officially 10pm, we all know it and I love it. It helped combat the burnout I was experiencing from spending most of my weekend downtime in a proverbial bin post-night out, thus aiding my physical and mental ability to deal with the other stresses that may have otherwise been the tipping point in the burnout cycle.
Emotions
This is more on a personal level, but putting boundaries into how I personally deal with the way I am feeling at a given moment when on the path to burnout has been incredibly important. As part of my burnout cycle, I can get to a point where it feels like I have a immovable 40 kilo weight sitting on my chest. I’ve come to realise that when this happens, there isn’t much I can do to banish it sooner and I just have to ride it out for the time that it’s there.
On those days, I’ve learned to not try to fight through it, but be kind to myself and do the things that would usually make me feel good, but without the intention of “fixing” it. If it's a work day and I sit at my laptop and it starts to feel heavier - I close the screen. I'll go and move my body outside without the intention of feeling better right after. I’ll eat some of my favourite food and talk about it to some of the people closest to me. The boundary for me here isn’t one of “get over it” or “it’s all in your head”. It’s telling myself to do the complete opposite - acknowledge it, let it happen and don’t try for the immediate fix. Now - it’s not usually a drama and I can better acknowledge that it’s happening and non-avoidable, slowly meandering through it until it's over.
There are many ways to describe boundaries and burnout and no right answer when it comes to how to set them or combat it exactly. It may look different for everyone and can be more difficult for some than others. Truthfully, I think we’re all just doing our best with what we have. I know I am. Maybe some of the above will help you in doing so.
Thanks for reading.
References
The autonomy paradox:
Eurofound Research:
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