15 Things I Wish I Knew Way Back When

A few weeks ago, I asked a question. The question was…

…be it way back when, 5 years ago or last week; as simple as “don’t sleep with your contacts in or with your makeup on after a night out” or wildly deep and meaningful in contemplating life's underlying meanings and what it means to be truly alive. Either would suffice.

I had a lot of people graciously let me into their mind and give me insight into what they’d like to tell themselves - way back when. All I appreciated, most I resonated with, and some made me change the way I speak to myself internally. To those who let me in, thank you.

I was genuinely surprised by how, although the pieces of advice were coming from people from all over, who may or may not have met, a lot of them were so similar. From these, I wanted to condense them into 15 collective tidbits including a piece of my own and my thoughts around them. This is an overall accumulation of our advice - some pieces are similar, some are not, but I hope that some resonate with you as they did with me.

You are not obligated to fit into other people’s perceptions of who you are / were / should be

Who you were however many years ago has no pull on who you choose to be today.

Yes, we are all moulded by experiences of the past but make no mistake, you are under absolutely no obligation to stay within the borders you in which found yourself, way back when. Reinvent yourself if you want to. Do it again and again if you want to. No one is physically forcing you into this proverbial box and if you feel like they are, it might be time to put some boundaries in place to make it clear that you are who you are regardless of what they want you to be (we love boundaries for 2023). Similarly, don’t mould your interests to fit those around you just to fit in. Like something because you like it, don’t like something only because it is the “norm” within your friend group etc etc etc. This is a hard one to put into practice - but try to start today if you haven’t yet already.

Don’t wait

Sometimes we can find ourselves being alive but not living.

Don’t get stuck living some low spirited limbo-life full of what-ifs and buts. If you keep waiting, you’ll be waiting forever. Don’t be scared of new opportunities. If it didn’t scare you, you wouldn’t care and it wouldn’t be worth it. Jump.

Be as kind to yourself as you would be to your friends and family

Why are we so mean to ourselves?

I got this one way too many times which is upsetting. We are our own harshest critics sometimes. Telling ourselves things we wouldn’t dare say to our friends. Be kind to yourself always and keep working on it until it becomes natural and instinctive. Don’t make the first option in the way you treat yourself the worst one. Mind yourself.

Holding onto hate for someone only affects you - not them

These types of feelings are poisonous.

Mindful it’s hard (hella hard) to forgive and forget, but think about it. It’s not for them, it’s for you. This kind of energy eats away at you whereas whoever you have these feelings for might very well be living their life none the wiser. Let it go - for yourself.

What other people say about you is none of your business

Other people's perceptions of you will come from what amounts to only a handful of experiences with you and judgements made off of them, rather than the full picture.

Same goes for other people - we make our own judgments of people based on our own interactions with them (just don’t be a dick).

Not everything is worth sticking through - you are allowed to quit

If something is not for you, move on.

I feel like sometimes our pride gets in the way and we follow through on things we hate for fear of judgement from others. Or, maybe we have an inherent, yet illogical, feeling we need to follow through on something completely or we have failed entirely. Take the learnings from it, and take them elsewhere.

Love your friends and hold them close

You will need them and they will need you.

Keep in touch with friends you make along the way, in work and in life in general. In your personal life, show up for your friends when they are in need because you might need their support down the line when you least expect it (and also because they are your friends and you love them). Professionally speaking, it’s not about what you or they do right now. It’s about later on when you know someone who knows something you don't that may help you.

Trust the process

Things will go as they should, and if they don't go the way you thought, they weren't meant to be to begin with.

Spend your time controlling the controllable and not wasting it trying to control that which isn’t. Even if it doesn't seem like it at the time everything will work out how it is supposed to, so live and let live.

You are not the main character in other people’s stories

We are the heroes in some peoples stories and the villains in others.

Either way, they are not our stories. As much as we’d like to think we do, we don’t take up the entirety of other peoples’ headspace. It’s like when you’re in the gym or out for a run and you think everyone is looking at you, when in reality they are looking and thinking about themselves. Psychologically speaking this is called the “Spotlight effect” and the manner in which we are the centre of our own worlds, we very rarely can get an accurate read of how much we are noticed by others.

Cut them off after 3

Surround yourself with positive people and don’t stand for ill treatment from your friends.

If a friend of yours is not serving you anymore (this doesn’t mean that you have unrealistic expectations of them) e.g. they are dishonest, always letting you down or are negatively impacting your life, give them three chances and then remove them. Don't waste your time on negative people with negative energy. It will merely drain your own.

Don't put all of your self worth into external things like significant others / jobs / money / social media

All of these things are transient, and can be forcibly removed with little to absolutely no notice.

Someone can break your heart. You can lose your job in a moment. Money may come and go. Social media isn’t real anyways. If you are putting all of your worth into things that you cannot control, you will always end up dissatisfied. You are the only constant in all of these scenarios. What can you control? What do you value? How do you treat people?

Read more

It’s time set aside to learn or to relax and focus on something more constant than swiping mindlessly online.

I feel like there is a lot of pressure these days to have to be only and always reading things that teach you something. I would certainly give myself this advice now - I used to read for fun as a kid, random stupid shit that had a terrible storyline and was fiction, but was fun. I don’t think you do not need to be only reading “how to xxx for dummies” guides, every book on spiritual awakening and “get rich quick” outlines (unless you want to). Do these things for sure, but read whatever you want to read, just to read.

No one’s gonna do it for you

The world doesn’t revolve around you (unfortunately), and consequently doesn’t owe you shit.

If you want something, you need to go and get it. You need to try. It’s not really about feeling motivated to do something, it's about the discipline and recurring action that supports it. Motivation lasts a minute but discipline and process show actual results (I am not good at this but keen to take it on board).

Don't over assign meaning to every single feeling

Feel it and move on.

Some feelings are actually psychologically the same if we break it down such as excitement vs anxiety towards a situation. “The feeling of anxiety is physiologically almost the same as the feeling of excitement. Both feelings produce an elevated heart rate and a feeling of butterflies in your stomach. Both might make you sweat. Your body is readying itself for action. But the feelings are different (Forbes).” It is important to distinguish the two and be able to change your emotional response appropriately (where and when you can of course).

Don't be in a rush to have it all figured out

Don’t try to jump years ahead of yourself just because you feel like you have to.

You can be unsure, you can change your mind, you have time. A lot of us fear the limited amount of time we have and are hot-wired to have a perception of what is “right” for your age. Haven’t bought a house yet? You’re behind. Don’t have a partner? Clock’s ticking. Not sure what you want to do? Well don’t leave the job you have because it’s safe and too late to figure it out now. Says who?

Well, I hope you gain an insight or two from these collective ramblings. More to come.